Adventures of a depressed assistant 2

Dear diary

I unearthed the label maker today, and so this inevitably happened…

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Dear Diary

Jobsworth (my office counterpart / thorn in side) keeps running around to my desk into the double digits to complain about how busy / important she is and how much work she has to do. Temp turned to me and whispered conspiratorially “If, instead of complaining, she actually did her work she probably wouldn’t have such a backlog…” Feel surge of admiration and kindred spirit-ness with temp

Dear Diary

Have made a special effort recently to overhaul my work wardrobe and transform myself from a bedraggled and harassed looking Executive Assistant into a svelte, well dressed butterfly – and now Jobsworth is convinced I am going for interviews during my lunch break.

As that is the only possible reason I would have for looking nice.

Dear Diary

Power cut. Bossy director hustles up to me, hands on hips as if I personally did this myself – to demand what I am going to do about it. Send a group text to the team about the loss of power to the surrounding area so they know this was not masterminded by me personally.

Dear Diary

Analyst, traveling without senior, is demanding to be bumped to business class. Explain this is out of policy but maybe he can get permission from his MD for this one occasion if there is a good enough reason. He then emails MD asking instead for this to be a blank cheque arrangement. MD agrees

Bang head on desk. This is not how company policy works.

Make mental note to dust off the sock puppets

Dear Diary

Huge, important meeting in the boardroom plunged into IT chaos due to the cables (previously zip-tied in place as an anti-theft device) having still been stolen somehow. Asked to “make contact” with IT by VP bellowing from the meeting room doorway. Picture myself with Ouija board and ectoplasm as this would probably be more help contacting IT when something has gone immeasurably wrong.

Dear Diary

Trying to find a way to make “as per my last email” sound a little less like “Look, you dumb bitch…”

But struggling

Dear Diary

In the kitchen when an analyst enters clutching a dirty knife and fork. He looks at the empty, open dishwasher and at the knife and fork in his hand before saying “What do I do with these?” in a high pitched baby voice

I don’t know – stick them up your arse?

Dear Diary

Arrive at work at 07:50 due to unheard of good commute. Office is empty. Nobody is here. Am almost an hour early. What is the point if nobody here to witness virtuous time keeping?

Dear Diary

Finding it hard to keep a straight face. Self-appointed office hunk keeps ringing the buzzer to be let into the office rather than using his pass. Knows I can see him on the intercom when this happens and so each time he buzzes he strikes a “come-hither” pose.

Dear Diary

After two weeks, new temp (replacing old temp) has dropped the pretense and transformed into bizarre Jennifer Lawrence of the office, oversharing about weekend vodka-fueled exploits to anyone and everyone – including MD’s. Terrifyingly this has been embraced with open arms rather than discreetly discouraged for obvious reasons. Sat through latest installment involving her blacking out, drunk on top of a pizza and waking up late for work this morning. Am obviously in a bizarre parallel universe where good is bad, bad is good

Dear Diary

Creepy IT guy is leaving the firm on Friday. Excellent news as he is what the concept of “useless” aspires to.

Dear Diary

Hoping to leave the office on time as walking home all the way from W1 to north London – but the second I start closing up my desk the phone goes mad and urgent travel emergencies are to be rearranged immediately. Flop dramatically back into my seat and order in some pizza

Dear Diary

Forced to attend leaving drinks for senior member of staff that nobody likes. Nobody has the balls to admit openly that they don’t like this person / boycott the drinks for fear of the clouds parting and being smote by lightning. And so – here we all are for our command performance

Dear Diary

Loathed team member has dumped three months’ worth of expenses on my desk again. Make a mental note to use his expenses as toilet paper before I leave the firm and then put them back on his desk

Dear Diary

Doorbell rings, and greasy Deliveroo bag arrives. Email offending analyst that their lunch has arrived and they should come and collect it. Team member emails back curtly to “bring it” to his desk. Inwardly scream back “what did your last slave die of?”

But opt instead to double flip the computer screen and duck down to fart inside the bag before I take it round to him, smiling sweetly

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